Love has a funny way of enveloping you. It seeps through every pore of your being when it's real. It gives you the kind of strength that makes you feel like a king sitting on your throne at the top of the world. And if only for a moment, you feel like there isn't anything you can't do. That's what Her love did for me, at least at the very beginning...
When I met Her. I knew that she was the fulfillment of GOD's promise to me. She was more than I had ever imagined she could be. She was beautiful. She moved with such grace and beauty that I found myself in awe of who and what she was at times. I knew from the moment I'd laid eyes on her that she'd be the mother of my children, my wife... She was my rib and I wanted to make her mine as quickly as possible in order to be whole again. I remember laying beside her as she slept trying to match the rhythmic sounds she would make as she breathed ever so quietly. She soothed my stormy spirit and made me feel like no other woman had before. I made her my wife and we created a family, a happiness that I never thought a man like I could experience.
We took long strolls under moonlit skies and as she would place her hand softly in mine, I knew that she had entrusted me with her heart just the same. Her love made me feel strong, only the way a real woman's love does.The pieces of my puzzle were complete and our happily ever after had begun...
I look back on the life we shared today and wonder how our love died. How something so sacred could simply come to an end. I look at her and she is not the same woman anymore. Her once smooth skin is etched with wrinkled lines that tell many a story. Hey once dark mane has grayed ever so slightly. Despite what the years have brought she is even more beautiful than when I first laid eyes on her. Time has been kind to her, and though I know that I didn't make it easy for her, she has lost that sparkle I once saw in her eyes. She doesn't look at me the same... To her I am only half a man and that I simply cannot accept.
In our daily struggles of raising our children and keeping our home she lost her way in loving me. She forgot about me and my needs. She became lost in being a mother and forgot how to be a wife. Somewhere along the way she forgot how to be my friend. She doesn't make me feel strong anymore, I no longer feel whole...I have felt that I am simply another task on her list of things to do. I wonder what happened to the promises we made, the dreams we dreamt, the plans we had for the rest of our lives together and I am saddened.
I'd hear her trying to stifle her cries at night and I'd be too afraid to reach for her because the truth is I simply wasn't who I used to be... We had become strangers. I was a fraction of the man she once loved and I didn't know how to get the rest of me back.
I thought I'd find it in cheap motel rooms with loose women who I knew there could never be anything more with than lust. I'd sit in my car before returning home on those nights, disgusted by the scent of cheap perfume and alcohol, and wonder why I couldn't find the words to say what I know needed to be said. I felt even smaller because as a man I knew I didn't possess the power to fix this...
Giggles and laughter turned to cries and loud screams
Starry gazes turned to evil stares
The kindest words turned to the most hateful actions
Happily ever after turned to the end
Is it me?
I often ask myself that question. I ask myself, is it something that I have done? Maybe I changed. Maybe I forgot how to love her. Maybe I am not enough anymore. Perhaps, I am not as strong as she once thought. I've lost my intrigue.
I am a man
I come from great men before me
My sons are a testament to who I am
My old hands have built a home and provided for a family
Sure I am hurt and in pain
But I will emerge from this just like I have been victorious and favored in everything else in my life.
Because I could no longer face her I fled. I left what was the home we built, the life we created for ourselves to find me. Before I am anything else, I am a man and it is something I believe she no longer sees. However selfish it is, it is something I must do for me and I know that it is something she will never understand. Somewhere in nurturing our lives she forgot how to love me, how to make me strong, how to make me feel whole. Perhaps I did the same. All I know is that our fairytale has come to an end and that nothing but bitterness remains... TO BE CONTINUED
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