I'm Back...

Sometimes the things we experience in life come not to teach us lessons about others, sometimes the experience comes to teach us lessons about ourselves... -Me


So I've been pretty quiet for awhile. Love, has a way of tying you up and enveloping you deep in its groove. Although I enjoy the rhythm, I figured it was time I come up for air and get back to some of the things I've missed so much. Life has been good. When I started writing this blog over a year ago I was in such a different place. I was the single girl going through the motions that came with dating  and I wanted to chronicle that along with other areas of my life. I felt like my life was colorful and I wanted to share some of those colors with people who were open to listening. I've always loved to write and the idea of sharing a small piece of my thoughts, experiences, and opinions was therapeutic.

Today, I'm still that same colorful girl except I'm no longer on the dating scene. *cues the music* I met a man, who if he walked out of my life today, has raised my standard for the love I am willing to accept and deserve in my life. In the span of a year I've gone from planning dates to now planning a future with someone. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. It's a weird notion to describe because although I felt I was ready for love I seldom felt like it had to happen immediately. He simply sauntered into my life, made it clear what he wanted from me, showed me what I needed to see, and then waited for me to oblige. After awhile, I couldn't say no and since then I haven't regretted having said yes.

As much as some of us desire love, when it comes we haven't the slightest clue what to do with it. I'm learning new things about myself everyday because of him and it's one of the things I love most about what we share. I'm learning that it's okay to not be so strong all the time. I'm learning that it's okay to depend on someone and that doing so is not a sign of weakness. My optimism about love continues because of him. One, because he loves and respects me and himself enough not to taint it; and two, because he believes that our story is simply that, OUR STORY, and that it is up to us to create the story we want for our lives. He nor I are perfect but we're committed to seeing past each other's imperfections and doing our best to make the great things about each other shine. He's taught me that when you're willing to do that the things that are less important get lost in the shade. Real love makes you realize there's no room for the small insignificant matters in the light.

So the pieces are slowly falling together and as I look around I realize that very little of it had to do with my master plan I had foolishly created for my life. Some things just have a way of happening, that is, if you let them. I've never professed to be an expert when it comes to relationships but I've learned a few things:

1. Put all your preconceived notions aside because matters of the heart seldom unfold the way we think they will. You've read every magazine and book, watched every movie, and listened to every friend. Now chalk it up to one thing, that person's experience. Your story will more than likely be unique and although you may be able to pull from outside resources, the likelihood that you will share the exact same story with someone else is slim. Remember, this is about creating your story, not replicating someone else's.

2. Be less stringent about your list of must haves, especially on the things that don't pertain to who a person actually is. Take your list of must haves and ask yourself a question. How many items on the list are things you actually will be able to bring to the table at this very moment? I hear a lot of folks tooting about their personal potential with a list of must haves from here to Jerusalem. Potential is defined as possible, as opposed to actual. It may be time to fine tune your list.

By no means am I encouraging anyone to settle. I am, however, asking you to look beyond the surface. Values and moral compass are important, they're non negotiable. Is the type of car a person drives or the amount of commas in the balance of their bank account equally important? Money can buy you an expensive mattress, high thread count sheets, down comforters, luxury goose down pillows, and a fur throw but it won't necessarily put someone beside you in that bed that genuinely wants to be there. Ask yourself how important those qualities are that don't necessarily determine who a person truly is. Remember, most people have to climb the ladder to get to what they are destined to be. You may be overlooking someone on the ascend.

3.Be realistic, I can't stress this enough. Don't try to change anyone, it doesn't work. Be honest about who a person is and determine if you can afford to have them be in your life. If it bothers you now, the likelihood is that it will continue to bother you later. I hear people airing out their current and former significant others all the time for being horrible people and I always wonder to myself did the person never exhibit signs of who they really were. A leopard can change his spots but for how long? I've been there and I can say that in most cases the signs are there. Too often we choose not to see them. Simply put, when a person shows you who they are, believe them. Even GOD allows us free will. People change if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner.

4. Know your self worth. I have said this so many times. People, in most cases, treat us the way we teach them to. If we are uncertain about ourselves, trust that the people that we allow into our lives will be uncertain about how to treat us as well. Fall in love with you before you decide to fall in love with someone else. It makes all the difference. There's a difference in what we are willing to accept from someone, especially early on, when we operate in this fashion. Also remember that no one completes you. The right person will fill spaces in your life you never knew existed but they will not make you whole. That, my friend, is a job meant especially for you.

5.Commit to someone when you're ready. This is why I bought my yorkie Titus some years back. I figured that when I got lonely, I'd have my dog. It sounds crazy, right? I think having someone in your life that clearly is not what you need or want for the sake of not being alone or for what people think is crazier. My dog has given me unconditional love, loyalty, and minimal headaches for the past five years. I'd rather be crazy than foolish. Being lonely is not a reason to be in a relationship, it's a reason to get out and figure out what you enjoy doing, find a hobby. Loneliness is the catalyst that drives a lot people into the arms of the wrong one, I've had missteps along the way but I've been able to get back up and brush myself off with no more than possible hurt feelings and a story to tell after moving along. Take your time. Evaluate what you're getting yourself into and be sure that it's what you're ready for. Be sure that you know that you are enough on your own so that you never doubt if you are enough with someone else. Relationships are work and you have to be sure that you are in the right place and ready to do what it takes if you decide to venture down that path.

All in all I have to say that where I am has made the wait totally worth it. Although none of us knows what tomorrow brings, I'm confident that it will bring me one day closer to where I am supposed to be. It's possible to have everything you truly deserve and there isn't any need to believe anything less than that. Remember that what you've decided that you want and what you actually deserve are not always one in the same. In most cases, the latter ends up being much better. Being jaded and pessimistic are defense mechanisms we carry from one relationship to another. Work those kinks out before you decide to enter into something new. I'm not telling you it will always be sunny, I'm simply saying it doesn't always rain. Exercise patience and in the meantime work what you can and leave the rest to work itself out. I'm looking forward to more chats with you, not just about love but about all the goings on in life! Talk to you really soon!!!

My Time- A Love Affair Mini Series- Part III

It has been some time that has passed. I have been roaming this empty house all alone. Like a woman without purpose.  Thinking, about all of the memories good and bad that were shared here. Wondering, if there would be anymore memories to create in this shell of a home. Worried, still worried about him. Has he eaten, is he taking care of himself, what is he doing? But then I try to shake it off. I turn my focus on the children. Telling myself that the children are all I need and that my faith….my faith in the Lord will sustain me. I just can't seem to say those words without a hefty sigh. A sigh that betrays my optimism. Words that express a deep reality of my spirit but just another beautiful phrase my heart questions.

It isn't that I don't believe it but how much more praying can one woman do? God I'd never thought I would ever say that out loud. But none the less I do not give up. But I took my pastor's advise and He and I are seeing a marriage counselor. It's not that God cannot fix all things but sometimes you just need a third-party. I couldn't even tell you if it's working. I'm not sure how much I want it to work. We go alone and we go together. When we are there together it just seems like we are there to place blame. It's a process that I wasn't prepared for. Who can prepare themselves for something like this?

I mean after all I figured why not counseling. It's the new hip thing to do. Lord knows the water is shallow out there. And the fish, well everyone knows that fish in shallow waters don't develop well. I mean what am I to do now? Oh my God to start dating ALL OVER AGAIN. At my age and with my tolerance.

I don't know why I keep walking around the house like I am looking for something, someone.
I find myself circling his closet. I keep staring at an old pair of sneakers. "God I hate these sneakers."

But he loves them. He always said they were the most comfortable shoes that he ever had. I always asked him to throw them away but he always said that he couldn't because in a silly way they reminded him of us. How great we fit together. How although time has beaten them up a little they always seem to carry him home comfortably. He always said, the left and right shoe were made for each other, and that is just how we were made for each other, comfortable and perfect. Maybe we got too comfortable.

"I should have bought him new sneakers."

"Is that the door?"

I open the door and there he is. He's come to pick up some more of his things.

After he's gathered some clothing we just circle each other with our eyes in the kitchen. Staring at each other with nothing to say. What is he thinking? I wonder if he really wants to come back home?

Should I say something?

"How have you been?"

Wow she has really nothing to say to me. She just answers with a simple nod. She looks like she's been crying. I wish I could make this right but I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to fix what we messed up. I don't even know if she feels like some of this is on her too.

"How's work?" I ask him. "It's ok." He no longer has anything else to say to me but just it's ok.

When did it get so awkward between us. I remember all the nights we beat the sun up just talking and laughing. Enjoying each other the way two new college kids would just trying to get to know each other. In this same kitchen where we cooked countless dinners for our children. Where I cooked her many of romantic breakfasts. We were such great lovers. We would make love all night until the hour-glass was worn out from being turned over and over. But now we stand in the same kitchen. A kitchen which is now just a museum of what used to be. I wonder what she is doing in this house alone all the time. I know it scares her. She has to hate being alone here.
If only an embrace could fix all of our problems like the first time we had a fight twenty years ago. There were no apologies, no I'm sorrys just a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Then talked about what movie we were going to cuddle on the couch and watch.

I wish my thoughts would stop bombarding me with all the different scenarios and what would have been. I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. But how do I express that without sounding like I am nagging. If he would just hug me and kiss me on the forehead right now I would just leave everything in God's hands and pray that he helps me forget and move on with my husband. I wonder if he would. If only he…

I guess I should go. It doesn't look like she has anything to say to me.

"Well OK, so I'll see you around at the next session. It was good to see you. Bye."

"Yes, take care of yourself, see you next week."

 

My Time, A Love Affair- A Mini Series

A Blog Mini-Series written by: AR Garcia/DominicanSoul- www.thedominicansoul.com & Rolanda/The_MissRoShow - www.chroniclesofasinglista.blogspot.com




A little over a decade ago my mother taught me possibly the most important lesson in dealing with women and relationships. As my parents went through a divorce my father easily moved on as I watched my mother suffer in what I can only describe as agony. I heard and saw my mother weep every night over what was now the death of her marriage and the end of what was once a complete picture perfect family. There would be no more family vacations, no more family photos. There would be no more my husband can't make it because he is working. Or my husband is at my son's baseball game and that's why they couldn't make it. Or, my daughter wanted to go ice skating so my husband took her but they will be back in a couple of hours. My mother would no longer tell her friends that they would have to call her back because the kids and her husband were all on the bed watching a movie that she really didn't care for but was down for it just the same because all of us were watching it. There would be NO more of that!



I got tired of hearing my mother cry through the thin sheet rock walls and finally got the courage to go into her room and ask her why she cried for a man who obviously didn't care for her anymore?

Early that morning in her room she was getting ready for work. Putting on her make-up in front of her vanity. I stood there behind her waiting for my moment and courage to kick in to ask her what I went in there for. Looking through the mirror with her eyes puffy from crying and she trying very fervently to cover it up with foundation, she asked, "Whats on your mind Son?" I asked her, Do you regret it all? "No" she said. She continued to put her make-up on. As I started to walk out she said, "The only thing I regret is that he wasted My Time and I can't get that back."

See I knew that she wasn't talking about us. She wasn't talking about the family she had acquired, the memories, the good times with him or her children. But the fact that he knew years ago that he didn't want to be with her and he so selfishly made her waste her time. She could have moved on.

But she didn't ever. She's a beautiful woman. But she never moved on. Maybe you can't move on after you've had Real Love. I honestly don't know.

This is a story, a mini-series if you will of a real Torrid Love Affair between two people...



I remembered love filled promises. All night whispered conversations about our favorite children's names. I remember long walks on the beach. Walks in which took place under worry-less circumstances. I remember holding hands under starlit skies and full moons. If we couldn't get to the beach you would make sure to find the stars in the neighborhood. Our fingers locked. Our smiles glued to our faces. Our souls intertwined and bound for a life destined for happiness. I remember our souls aligned and… and deep hearted laughter. Early morning phone calls to remind each other that we had something special. That we had something More than just something More in common.

You always preferred calling because you said you loved to hear my voice in the morning.
I remember finishing his sentences. He would give me a special nod to reassure me that he had finished my thought, you know.

We made dreams a reality. We turned our goals into a walk down the aisle, into a home, and then children to fill it all. See, we just didn't build a home. We built memories. We were rich with love and moral prosperity.

I remember the recitals you said you could never make because of work but always made. How you were there to see our children take their first steps right until you walked them down the aisle when it was their turn.

We took so much time to focus on our dreams and sand the pillars we had built. We focused so much on being a whole that we began to forget who we were as individuals.

I find myself after all these years with nothing more than memories. Something has changed. My love, is not the same. He, is not the same. My time with him is not what it was.

We don't laugh anymore. We don't walk anymore.

The tender whispers we shared have become idle threats and loud cries in the serenity that we built together.

Is it me?

I often ask myself that question. I ask myself, is it something that I have done? Maybe I changed. Maybe I forgot how to love him. Maybe I am not enough anymore. Perhaps, I am not as beautiful as he once thought. I've lost my intrigue.

At this stage in our lives all that matters is the time that we share. And what we do with that time. We have fulfilled all of our obligations to our family. Now its our time. But it seems as though he no longer can find the time for me. I'm filled with regret and frustration. Anger and disbelief. Pain and hurt. Confusion and ailments I lack words to describe.

Then I realize after much inquiry that it is not me that has altered the agreement we made to each other over twenty years ago. But it was Him. He's chosen to find affections elsewhere. To give his heart which he placed in my hands a long time ago to nurture and protect to another. He took it upon himself to bury the dreams and the memories. To tarnish the purity of what God blessed and our children benefitted from.

So he took it upon himself to put our love in a Casket as he galavants like an old-young fool around with a woman who couldn't be me if I taught her myself how to be so. He trades in his Queen for a Peasant in which he can stain and dirty the filthiest motel sheets adulterating money can buy.

There is no love.

Where is the respect that I earned years ago?

But, that's ok.

He thinks now that after all these years he can discard me. Destroy me.
He forgets who I am. Who I have been.

I am a Woman!

My name resounds strength.

My smile shines light on what is truth.

And my eyes tell a story of pride and joy in the middle of adversity.

Sure I am hurt and I am in pain.

But I will emerge from this just like I have been victorious and favored in everything else in my life.
 
So you go girl. You can have him. You can have the scraps of a man who I used to call a husband. You two together is just yesterday's paper on today's kitchen table, Obsolete. I won't be bitter. I won't let hate and anger consume me. Instead, I will wish you the two the best. And hope sweetie, that he doesn't turn your love into this grave that we used to call a marriage.

I wish most of it wasn't a mirage. I can get love back. I can laugh again. Maybe I will even cry over a man again. I don't feel like I wasted my life.

I just wish you wouldn't have wasted my time.
Because my time, is all that I can't get back.
TO BE CONTINUED...

Life: What Are Things That Go On For 100?!

Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it? Moral of the story, life goes on... ~Me


I haven't been writing much lately. Life has been so busy for me as of late and I honestly haven't had the time... A few times a week I'll think about setting some time aside to put the thoughts going thru my mind down on paper. In most cases I ended up losing the battle to sleep, (which I don't get enough of lately), or some work related project I'm working on will have a loose end that needs to be tied up and my focus will go to that. Tonight I was laying in my bed looking at some old pics when the quote I started this post with came to mind. It automatically inspired me to write...

Now this may sound cheesy or just plain corny but it gets no simpler than that quote. I think about my life and where I am right now and I feel like I'm on the brink of greatness! For the first time ever I can say that I'm in total control of every aspect of my life. I'm calculating my steps and making strong moves for a secure future. I'm proud of myself... And that feels good.

As I lay in my bed pondering these thoughts, I can't help but to reflect on where I've been. Now I won't sing you a sad song, this isn't the time for that but I have to say that looking back I realize just how blessed I've been. There have been periods in my life where I didn't quite know what to do next or just how I would find the strength to do it. I'll be forthright and say that in too many cases these feelings revolved around my dealings with men. Now this isn't a relationship post per se'. Take from it what you see fit, but for me that's where my thoughts went to tonight. I thought about a man I used to LOVE. I ate, slept, and breathed my love for him and when we parted ways I honestly didn't know what to do next... I made myself miserable with thoughts that I'd never be happy without him. I made other people miserable because I was no longer with him... My angst was messy and I wasted a lot of time and energy focused on something that I didn't even quite understand. Now this was years ago. And my lightbulb moment has long come and gone. I remember waking up one morning, it was a few years ago in September, and it just didn't hurt anymore... I attribute that to GOD because in that period of my life I spent a lot of time talking to Him. I remember everything being easier. It was like going to bed an addict one night and the next day waking up clean and sober. The taste had simply been taken away. I was thankful then but I don't think it hit me until now how true that statement is that "life goes on". Tonight as I mull over where I am in my life it pleases me to know that I've gained a better understanding of that. Today, as the Rolanda that I am, there'd be no room in my life for him. I say that with every ounce of humility but with absolute honesty. He simply wouldn't fit...

So ask yourself the questions... Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it?

Whatever it is you're going thru and regardless of the state that your life is currently in, life goes on. Trust me when I tell you. You'll look back on these very moments and realize that the outcome was for the very best. It's simply adding to the person that you're supposed to become and down the line you'll realize that, that piece never quite fit into your pretty little puzzle anyway. I love me and I don't think the outcome would be quite the same if I'd gotten some of the things I used to believe I couldn't live without! Oh! The stories I could tell you all (I am a hot mess! Lol)...  Trust that there is a reason that whatever it is may not be for you. Chuck it up to experience and simply remind yourself that life truly does go on. And go on and get better it does...

Talk to you all very soon <3

You Gotta Beat Him To Keep Him...

Well-behaved women seldom make history... ~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


Men love abuse, so club them over the heads, drag them home and handcuff them to your bed to ensure they never leave your side... It's not what best selling, award winning author/tv personality Tionna Smalls had in mind when she wrote her newest book "Men Love Abuse: The Guide to Losing the Image of Being the Nice Girl & Getting the Man You Want",  (which will be released on January 27, 2012 through the publishing company she owns aptly named Talk Dat Ish Books), but I definitely think she was on to something! Most of us first saw Tionna in 2010 on season one of  VH1's "What Chilli Wants" where she was appointed matchmaker for one third of the Grammy award winning group, TLC. Viewers were just as confused as Tionna was when Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas ran down her list of must haves in a potential mate. We were also pleasantly surprised by Chilli choosing Bill, (who I thought was pretty fly for a white guy), on the finale episode. After seeing the variety of men she brought to the table and how she was willing to fight Chilli tooth and nail to tackle the task at hand, most of us left feeling that this chic Tionna might actually know what the heck she was talking about.

Fast forward to present day, Tionna has wrapped the second season of What Chilli Wants. She has opened up a lifestyle boutique in the Bedstuy section of Brooklyn called Loveys (shoploveys.com) that caters to a woman's accessory, body, and beauty needs, (Check it out ladies! I've been there and it's fab!). She's also following up her 2011 rerelease of the award winning, best selling "Girl Get Your Mind Right" (Harper Collins) with the first volume of her new pocketbook series "Men Love Abuse" (Talk Dat Ish Books) due to be released in just a few short days. Oh!!! And did I mention that she's also engaged and working on a new television project and that she's accomplished all of this by the tender age of twenty seven?!?! Yeah, I think it's safe to say Tionna is definitely batting a pretty decent average! I sat down with her recently, (okay, maybe I didn't sit with her but I emailed her and she was kind enough to get back to me...), and asked her a few questions about her new book and what she's hoping to convey to her mostly female audience. If I say nothing else about Tionna, I can definitely say that she's raw, she's real, and she's right... Take a gander at what she had to say:

Singlista: What inspired you to start offering advice and writing books for us single women?

Tionna:When I begin writing relationship/dating stuff, I too was a single woman. I went through a few light trials and tribulations with guys that made me very eager and excited to write about it. I was like Carrie in Sex in the City, just reflecting on my life as a single woman. I always had a strong personality and I always kept it real so I said why not add all of this together and capitalize off of it. I write my books so it can inspire women and lift them up. My books are not preachy, they are very hey-girlfriendish...

Singlista: It's obvious from reading your books and having watched you on "What Chilli Wants" that you are a very headstrong in your approach to relationships and how women should deal with men. Have you always been this way?

Tionna: I have always been a BOSS CHICK when it came down to boys and men. I had my first boyfriend when I was 15 years old. We stayed together until I was almost 21. He proposed to me and everything. I always knew men. My father taught me the game young. Tionna Smalls being in a relationship at 15 is the same Tionna Smalls being in a relationship at 27 except I am a little nicer and respect my man more now. Girl, the game never changed, the players did.

Singlista: What do you believe the biggest mistake is that women make when first meeting and dating a man?

Tionna:They give up too much too fast. Their heart, their coochie, and their time. You have to really sit back and let a man work for all of that. You can have sex and do you but geesh, stop falling in love at a drop of a hat then get mad when things don't work out.

Singlista:What would we be surprised to learn about Tionna in her down time when she's not the author or entrepeneur? Is there a soft sensitive side hiding in there?

Tionna: LOL. There is definitely a softer side. But wow, good question...I am so open with my life it's hard to say but yes I am a softie at times. I cry when I watch Rocky and when I accomplish something that I never believe I could accomplish like my boutique (Loveys) being show on Love & Hip Hop. Overall I can say I am soft at times but I try not to show that side because people take advantage of that. So I just play my position. I am still a girl so I love girly things...sometimes, haha!

Singlista: We women sometimes get too lost in the idea of being in a relationship. What should we be doing when we're single to make sure we're better women not just for ourselves, but for the future men in our lives?

Tionna: Gosh, you have the best questions in the world...I love you already. Well, the first thing women especially should do when they are single is take time to be by themselves. Learn what it is you like in a man and what you like in yourself. Definitely step your game up and make sure you have your own ish together like home, car, multiple stream of income, credit right. You know, the works! Lyfe Jennings said it best, "Be the Person you want to find. Don't be a nickel out here searching for a dime." He is so right. I say, date yourself, love yourself FIRST. You can't possibly a great mate to someone else if you dont have yourself together and that is real talk.

Singlista: What is your challenge to women about the "types" of men they like. Dolvett was obviously not Chilli's type but you were adamant that she give him a chance.

Tionna: My new book is called "Men Love Abuse" but I think everyone love abuse. Women go for the guy that don't want them and that they have to take their Loubs and put on their kicks to chase. They never like the nice guy who like them and that is why many women are alone. I said it once and I will say it again, love the one who loves you! Stop chasing dudes who clearly do not want you. We all have done it but enough is enough especially when you get a certain age. The thug guys and the dudes who poke everything walking (player) is so 1999. You have to make a decision about your love life with your mind and think long term and not for what's right now.

Singlista: Ultimately, what do you want women to take away from reading your books and watching you on television? What are you hoping to inspire?

Tionna: I want all my readers and supporters to feel enlightened, motivated, and on their grind when it come down to men and their money. You get a piece of me with every book and tv show. I just want you all to know that you have a sister within me who is not afraid to share her stories and listen to yours. Banging a dude who don't want you, been cheated on, or your catbag smell because you have a nasty infection...no judgements here. We all been there. I hope to inspire a nation of strong sisters, leaders, business woman, but most of all lovers. Thanks for having me and please tell your readers to follow me on Twitter. http://twitter.com/tionnasmalls. Also, buy my new book, "Men Love Abuse" which will be released on the 27th. They have exclusive copies on the Nook now so check me out. You can also buy my other book, Girl, Get Your Mind Right!" available everywhere books are sold.

Side note- thanks for the interview you are a magnificent writer and these questions are thought provoking

*Gasps* at her use of the term "catbag"!!! I told you she was raw and real!! Lol...

Thanks a million for the interview Tionna! I'm looking forward to a great read!

You can get your copies of "Girl Get Your Mind Right!" anywhere books are sold. "Men Love Abuse"  will be available everywhere books are sold on 1/27 but is available now exclusively on Nook. Be certain to leave a review! You can check out Loveys at shoploveys.com or in person at 377 Marcus Garvey Blvd, Brooklyn, NY 11221. Follow Tionna on twitter @TionnaSmalls and Loveys @ShopLoveys.

I'm off to club this guy over the head and drag him back to my boudoir!  After all men love abuse and from what I hear nice girls finish last...

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe..

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -Whitney M. Young Jr.

Dating has always been a difficult notion for me. The concept of having a black book full of men that I can call at a moment's notice has never been an idea that my brain has easily been able to wrap itself around. In my mind, I've always hoped that I'd meet a man, he wouldn't be able to get his fill of me, and we'd seamlessly make the transition from easy friends to easy lovers. Recently, it became obvious that I was the last person to get the memo that this is not really the way it happens. Don't judge me. I've just always been the kind of girl that envisions pouring all my love, giving all my support, and being the softest place on earth for one man. What I hadn't quite worked out in my head is all the steps that come before that.

So imagine the epiphany I had as I was perusing my news feed on Facebook a few days ago and ran across this status from popular radio host Michael Baisden:

What can women learn from men? Dating is a process of elimination, so date more often and keep it moving. Don’t get too emotionally involved. Don’t try to get everything out of one person. And most important of all, keep your options open!

Now I'm not really a dramatic person, but that stopped me in my tracks. Could it be that I, like too many women, had it all wrong? How many times had I been quick to give one of my male friends the side eye or label him some philandering title because he kept an iPhone full of women. Could Steve Harvey have been right when he said "act like a lady, think like a man"?

I think it's safe to say that for too long a lot of we women have viewed dating as a one way street to a serious relationship, while most men have viewed it as a freeway with numerous exits, entrances, rest stops, toll booths, and your occasional sleazy motel along the way. I'm guilty of it. I meet a man who I'm somewhat interested in and I get tunnel vision. Somewhere along the way, things don't quite go the way I hoped and I'm left realizing that the fine man that I'd previously met in the produce aisle at the grocery store or the one I'd met on one of my nightly excursions to the 24hour drug store have long since moved on because they got tired of planning dates I would break or making calls that I wouldn't return. And I call myself a multitasker...

We have to view dating for exactly what it is, and I hate to say it but I think that our male counterparts have it somewhat right. Dating is an opportunity to meet, evaluate, learn from, and be entertained by different people. We don't go to a department store and buy the very first dress we try on. Why make this critical mistake when dealing with men? I was prepping for a night out with the girls recently and bought five dresses. I pondered over over which dress to wear for the entire week and finally made my decision on the day of the event. After careful consideration, I took four of them back. I'd never actually thought to do this when it came to men. Putting all our eggs in one basket, too often, ends up being a risk not worth taking. We don't take the time to enjoy the company of different men. We put too much stock into the first one that makes us feel right and never give ourselves the opportunity to quite compare the differences in the men in our lives to determine what we really want and need. It really is a process of elimination. A healthy dating life should consists of a few suitors, (never anywhere did I say you should be sleeping with these men. TAKE HEED). We should be going out on numerous dates and determining what qualities we want and desire in the man we hope to end up with. This also ensures that we don't get too attached to any one man. One man may teach you a great lesson or expose you to some new exciting experience and simply be ready to move on. In the words of a guy I recently dated, "that's life". Everyone we meet is not destined to be in our lives forever.

At the ripe old age of 31, (sarcasm), I make it a point to let men know that I am not interested in playing any games. Going forward I'll be telling them that I'm not interested in rushing into anything too quickly. I'd like to be able to spend some time smelling the roses and I may decide that I'd like to go from bush to bush while doing so, (there'll be no drawing of honey, of course). Who knows, in the end, I may meet a great guy and if I'm lucky, I'll have enjoyed a lot of free meals along the way.