Sometimes the things we experience in life come not to teach us lessons about others, sometimes the experience comes to teach us lessons about ourselves... -Me
So I've been pretty quiet for awhile. Love, has a way of tying you up and enveloping you deep in its groove. Although I enjoy the rhythm, I figured it was time I come up for air and get back to some of the things I've missed so much. Life has been good. When I started writing this blog over a year ago I was in such a different place. I was the single girl going through the motions that came with dating and I wanted to chronicle that along with other areas of my life. I felt like my life was colorful and I wanted to share some of those colors with people who were open to listening. I've always loved to write and the idea of sharing a small piece of my thoughts, experiences, and opinions was therapeutic.
Today, I'm still that same colorful girl except I'm no longer on the dating scene. *cues the music* I met a man, who if he walked out of my life today, has raised my standard for the love I am willing to accept and deserve in my life. In the span of a year I've gone from planning dates to now planning a future with someone. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. It's a weird notion to describe because although I felt I was ready for love I seldom felt like it had to happen immediately. He simply sauntered into my life, made it clear what he wanted from me, showed me what I needed to see, and then waited for me to oblige. After awhile, I couldn't say no and since then I haven't regretted having said yes.
As much as some of us desire love, when it comes we haven't the slightest clue what to do with it. I'm learning new things about myself everyday because of him and it's one of the things I love most about what we share. I'm learning that it's okay to not be so strong all the time. I'm learning that it's okay to depend on someone and that doing so is not a sign of weakness. My optimism about love continues because of him. One, because he loves and respects me and himself enough not to taint it; and two, because he believes that our story is simply that, OUR STORY, and that it is up to us to create the story we want for our lives. He nor I are perfect but we're committed to seeing past each other's imperfections and doing our best to make the great things about each other shine. He's taught me that when you're willing to do that the things that are less important get lost in the shade. Real love makes you realize there's no room for the small insignificant matters in the light.
So the pieces are slowly falling together and as I look around I realize that very little of it had to do with my master plan I had foolishly created for my life. Some things just have a way of happening, that is, if you let them. I've never professed to be an expert when it comes to relationships but I've learned a few things:
1. Put all your preconceived notions aside because matters of the heart seldom unfold the way we think they will. You've read every magazine and book, watched every movie, and listened to every friend. Now chalk it up to one thing, that person's experience. Your story will more than likely be unique and although you may be able to pull from outside resources, the likelihood that you will share the exact same story with someone else is slim. Remember, this is about creating your story, not replicating someone else's.
2. Be less stringent about your list of must haves, especially on the things that don't pertain to who a person actually is. Take your list of must haves and ask yourself a question. How many items on the list are things you actually will be able to bring to the table at this very moment? I hear a lot of folks tooting about their personal potential with a list of must haves from here to Jerusalem. Potential is defined as possible, as opposed to actual. It may be time to fine tune your list.
By no means am I encouraging anyone to settle. I am, however, asking you to look beyond the surface. Values and moral compass are important, they're non negotiable. Is the type of car a person drives or the amount of commas in the balance of their bank account equally important? Money can buy you an expensive mattress, high thread count sheets, down comforters, luxury goose down pillows, and a fur throw but it won't necessarily put someone beside you in that bed that genuinely wants to be there. Ask yourself how important those qualities are that don't necessarily determine who a person truly is. Remember, most people have to climb the ladder to get to what they are destined to be. You may be overlooking someone on the ascend.
3.Be realistic, I can't stress this enough. Don't try to change anyone, it doesn't work. Be honest about who a person is and determine if you can afford to have them be in your life. If it bothers you now, the likelihood is that it will continue to bother you later. I hear people airing out their current and former significant others all the time for being horrible people and I always wonder to myself did the person never exhibit signs of who they really were. A leopard can change his spots but for how long? I've been there and I can say that in most cases the signs are there. Too often we choose not to see them. Simply put, when a person shows you who they are, believe them. Even GOD allows us free will. People change if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner.
4. Know your self worth. I have said this so many times. People, in most cases, treat us the way we teach them to. If we are uncertain about ourselves, trust that the people that we allow into our lives will be uncertain about how to treat us as well. Fall in love with you before you decide to fall in love with someone else. It makes all the difference. There's a difference in what we are willing to accept from someone, especially early on, when we operate in this fashion. Also remember that no one completes you. The right person will fill spaces in your life you never knew existed but they will not make you whole. That, my friend, is a job meant especially for you.
5.Commit to someone when you're ready. This is why I bought my yorkie Titus some years back. I figured that when I got lonely, I'd have my dog. It sounds crazy, right? I think having someone in your life that clearly is not what you need or want for the sake of not being alone or for what people think is crazier. My dog has given me unconditional love, loyalty, and minimal headaches for the past five years. I'd rather be crazy than foolish. Being lonely is not a reason to be in a relationship, it's a reason to get out and figure out what you enjoy doing, find a hobby. Loneliness is the catalyst that drives a lot people into the arms of the wrong one, I've had missteps along the way but I've been able to get back up and brush myself off with no more than possible hurt feelings and a story to tell after moving along. Take your time. Evaluate what you're getting yourself into and be sure that it's what you're ready for. Be sure that you know that you are enough on your own so that you never doubt if you are enough with someone else. Relationships are work and you have to be sure that you are in the right place and ready to do what it takes if you decide to venture down that path.
All in all I have to say that where I am has made the wait totally worth it. Although none of us knows what tomorrow brings, I'm confident that it will bring me one day closer to where I am supposed to be. It's possible to have everything you truly deserve and there isn't any need to believe anything less than that. Remember that what you've decided that you want and what you actually deserve are not always one in the same. In most cases, the latter ends up being much better. Being jaded and pessimistic are defense mechanisms we carry from one relationship to another. Work those kinks out before you decide to enter into something new. I'm not telling you it will always be sunny, I'm simply saying it doesn't always rain. Exercise patience and in the meantime work what you can and leave the rest to work itself out. I'm looking forward to more chats with you, not just about love but about all the goings on in life! Talk to you really soon!!!
