My Time- A Love Affair Mini Series- Part IV

The faint smell of perfume in my truck makes my stomach turn. As I pull away from the house that was once so filled with love I can't help but to stare in the rear view window as I have done so many times before. The further my SUV creeps down the tree lined street the smaller the house appears. In time it will disappear. I wonder if this is reminiscent of my life.

Things were different tonight. I am losing her. I tell myself that things will get better, they will be just like they were before but I know that I am fooling myself. Although she wants to, I know that she could never love a man like me again. I am a fool who allowed his pride to ruin the most beautiful thing I've ever had... I hear the thoughts as they dance through my mind but I know that I will never utter the words. Again, it is my pride that won't allow me to admit what I know is the truth.

You have made a complete mess of this and as a result you have lost your family and the only woman you have ever truly loved...

I turn up the volume of the stereo to help drown my thoughts. It is all I can seem to do anymore. Even my mind has betrayed me and has taken sides with my wife...

How much longer will I be able to call her that...?

I want to turn around and go back. I want to run back into her arms and tell her how sorry I am, how foolish I've been, how it is time that I come home and she and I become "us" again but my body will not oblige with the thoughts in my head. It is a battle I have been fighting for far too long and I seem to be losing. I take a drink from the open bottle at my feet. It burns as it goes down. The taste is not pleasing but it numbs the pain and I take it as an even trade. I am a failure. I failed as a husband and as a result, I am now failing as a father. My children are old enough to understand and, naturally, they have sided with their mother. I hurt her. The truth is I have hurt them too. My son doesn't even look me in the eyes when he speaks to me and I can't find the words to make them understand. I suppose that there are none...

I miss her. They way that you miss something that is apart of you when it is gone. I find myself pretending that she is still by my side to feel complete. I have become so lost that I am unable to find my way back and like most men in this predicament I am too stubborn to ask for directions. I go to the counseling every week but it doesn't seem to help. This was her idea and I do not understand how telling a perfect stranger about our lives will make anything better. I go because I want to make her happy though. It is the least that I can do.

I know that she stopped loving me the way that I needed her to but it is because I stopped loving myself. I looked for what I could no longer find at home elsewhere and somewhere along the way I lost a piece of me too. I used to tell my children that the grass may look greener on the other side but you haven't a clue what it takes to keep it that way. Even I didn't understand the gravity of what I was telling them until now. I'd give anything for the solace and the peace of where I used to be.With my wife... I love her in a way that cannot be explained, so I ceased telling and showing her. She is truly my better half and I know that, more than likely, I will never get her back.

I turn the truck into the desolate motel parking lot that has become my new home, pull into my usual spot, and turn off the ignition. My mind continues to wander as I listen to the motor softly hiss and the car dies down. I have to remember to take it in for maintenance tomorrow morning. I gather my belongings that I picked up from the house and take the usual path, up the flight of steps to my room door. As I approach, I drop some of my clothing and I bend to pick them up. As I retrieve the last of my belongings the door to the room flies open and the scent of that same cheap perfume from my car that always seems to make me want to regurgitate invades my senses and it is all I can do to not throw up.

"Papi, where have you been all day? I've been waiting for you," the female voice says.

I walk into the place that has now become my home, with the woman who says she is now my wife, and wonder how on GOD's green earth did I let this become my life...

My Time- A Love Affair Mini Series- Part III

It has been some time that has passed. I have been roaming this empty house all alone. Like a woman without purpose.  Thinking, about all of the memories good and bad that were shared here. Wondering, if there would be anymore memories to create in this shell of a home. Worried, still worried about him. Has he eaten, is he taking care of himself, what is he doing? But then I try to shake it off. I turn my focus on the children. Telling myself that the children are all I need and that my faith….my faith in the Lord will sustain me. I just can't seem to say those words without a hefty sigh. A sigh that betrays my optimism. Words that express a deep reality of my spirit but just another beautiful phrase my heart questions.

It isn't that I don't believe it but how much more praying can one woman do? God I'd never thought I would ever say that out loud. But none the less I do not give up. But I took my pastor's advise and He and I are seeing a marriage counselor. It's not that God cannot fix all things but sometimes you just need a third-party. I couldn't even tell you if it's working. I'm not sure how much I want it to work. We go alone and we go together. When we are there together it just seems like we are there to place blame. It's a process that I wasn't prepared for. Who can prepare themselves for something like this?

I mean after all I figured why not counseling. It's the new hip thing to do. Lord knows the water is shallow out there. And the fish, well everyone knows that fish in shallow waters don't develop well. I mean what am I to do now? Oh my God to start dating ALL OVER AGAIN. At my age and with my tolerance.

I don't know why I keep walking around the house like I am looking for something, someone.
I find myself circling his closet. I keep staring at an old pair of sneakers. "God I hate these sneakers."

But he loves them. He always said they were the most comfortable shoes that he ever had. I always asked him to throw them away but he always said that he couldn't because in a silly way they reminded him of us. How great we fit together. How although time has beaten them up a little they always seem to carry him home comfortably. He always said, the left and right shoe were made for each other, and that is just how we were made for each other, comfortable and perfect. Maybe we got too comfortable.

"I should have bought him new sneakers."

"Is that the door?"

I open the door and there he is. He's come to pick up some more of his things.

After he's gathered some clothing we just circle each other with our eyes in the kitchen. Staring at each other with nothing to say. What is he thinking? I wonder if he really wants to come back home?

Should I say something?

"How have you been?"

Wow she has really nothing to say to me. She just answers with a simple nod. She looks like she's been crying. I wish I could make this right but I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to fix what we messed up. I don't even know if she feels like some of this is on her too.

"How's work?" I ask him. "It's ok." He no longer has anything else to say to me but just it's ok.

When did it get so awkward between us. I remember all the nights we beat the sun up just talking and laughing. Enjoying each other the way two new college kids would just trying to get to know each other. In this same kitchen where we cooked countless dinners for our children. Where I cooked her many of romantic breakfasts. We were such great lovers. We would make love all night until the hour-glass was worn out from being turned over and over. But now we stand in the same kitchen. A kitchen which is now just a museum of what used to be. I wonder what she is doing in this house alone all the time. I know it scares her. She has to hate being alone here.
If only an embrace could fix all of our problems like the first time we had a fight twenty years ago. There were no apologies, no I'm sorrys just a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Then talked about what movie we were going to cuddle on the couch and watch.

I wish my thoughts would stop bombarding me with all the different scenarios and what would have been. I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. But how do I express that without sounding like I am nagging. If he would just hug me and kiss me on the forehead right now I would just leave everything in God's hands and pray that he helps me forget and move on with my husband. I wonder if he would. If only he…

I guess I should go. It doesn't look like she has anything to say to me.

"Well OK, so I'll see you around at the next session. It was good to see you. Bye."

"Yes, take care of yourself, see you next week."

 

My Time, A Love Affair- A Mini Series Part II

A Blog Mini-Series written by: AR Garcia/DominicanSoul www.thedominicansoul.com & Rolanda/The_MissRoShow www.chroniclesofasinglista.blogspot.com


Love has a funny way of enveloping you. It seeps through every pore of your being when it's real. It gives you the kind of strength that makes you feel like a king sitting on your throne at the top of the world. And if only for a moment, you feel like there isn't anything you can't do. That's what Her love did for me, at least at the very beginning...

When I met Her. I knew that she was the fulfillment of GOD's promise to me. She was more than I had ever imagined she could be. She was beautiful. She moved with such grace and beauty that I found myself in awe of who and what she was at times. I knew from the moment I'd laid eyes on her that she'd be the mother of my children, my wife... She was my rib and I wanted to make her mine as quickly as possible in order to be whole again. I remember laying beside her as she slept trying to match the rhythmic sounds she would make as she breathed ever so quietly. She soothed my stormy spirit and made me feel like no other woman had before. I made her my wife and we created a family, a happiness that I never thought a man like I could experience.

We took long strolls under moonlit skies and as she would place her hand softly in mine, I knew that she had entrusted me with her heart just the same. Her love made me feel strong, only the way a real woman's love does.The pieces of my puzzle were complete and our happily ever after had begun...

I look back on the life we shared today and wonder how our love died. How something so sacred could simply come to an end. I look at her and she is not the same woman anymore. Her once smooth skin is etched with wrinkled lines that tell many a story. Hey once dark mane has grayed ever so slightly. Despite what the years have brought she is even more beautiful than when I first laid eyes on her. Time has been kind to her, and though I know that I didn't make it easy for her, she has lost that sparkle I once saw in her eyes. She doesn't look at me the same... To her I am only half a man and that I simply cannot accept.

In our daily struggles of raising our children and keeping our home she lost her way in loving me. She forgot about me and my needs. She became lost in being a mother and forgot how to be a wife. Somewhere along the way she forgot how to be my friend. She doesn't make me feel strong anymore, I no longer feel whole...I have felt that I am simply another task on her list of things to do. I wonder what happened to the promises we made, the dreams we dreamt, the plans we had for the rest of our lives together and I am saddened.

I'd hear her trying to stifle her cries at night and I'd be too afraid to reach for her because the truth is I simply wasn't who I used to be...  We had become strangers. I was a fraction of the man she once loved and I didn't know how to get the rest of me back.

I thought I'd find it in cheap motel rooms with loose women who I knew there could never be anything more with than lust. I'd sit in my car before returning home on those nights, disgusted by the scent of cheap perfume and alcohol, and wonder why I couldn't find the words to say what I know needed to be said. I felt even smaller because as a man I knew I didn't possess the power to fix this...

Giggles and laughter turned to cries and loud screams

Starry gazes turned to evil stares

The kindest words turned to the most hateful actions

Happily ever after turned to the end

Is it me?

I often ask myself that question. I ask myself, is it something that I have done? Maybe I changed. Maybe I forgot how to love her. Maybe I am not enough anymore. Perhaps, I am not as strong as she once thought. I've lost my intrigue.

I am a man

I come from great men before me

My sons are a testament to who I am

My old hands have built a home and provided for a family

Sure I am hurt and in pain

But I will emerge from this just like I have been victorious and favored in everything else in my life.

Because I could no longer face her I fled. I left what was the home we built, the life we created for ourselves to find me. Before I am anything else, I am a man and it is something I believe she no longer sees. However selfish it is, it is something I must do for me and I know that it is something she will never understand. Somewhere in nurturing our lives she forgot how to love me, how to make me strong, how to make me feel whole. Perhaps I did the same. All I know is that our fairytale has come to an end and that nothing but bitterness remains... TO BE CONTINUED

My Time, A Love Affair- A Mini Series

A Blog Mini-Series written by: AR Garcia/DominicanSoul- www.thedominicansoul.com & Rolanda/The_MissRoShow - www.chroniclesofasinglista.blogspot.com




A little over a decade ago my mother taught me possibly the most important lesson in dealing with women and relationships. As my parents went through a divorce my father easily moved on as I watched my mother suffer in what I can only describe as agony. I heard and saw my mother weep every night over what was now the death of her marriage and the end of what was once a complete picture perfect family. There would be no more family vacations, no more family photos. There would be no more my husband can't make it because he is working. Or my husband is at my son's baseball game and that's why they couldn't make it. Or, my daughter wanted to go ice skating so my husband took her but they will be back in a couple of hours. My mother would no longer tell her friends that they would have to call her back because the kids and her husband were all on the bed watching a movie that she really didn't care for but was down for it just the same because all of us were watching it. There would be NO more of that!



I got tired of hearing my mother cry through the thin sheet rock walls and finally got the courage to go into her room and ask her why she cried for a man who obviously didn't care for her anymore?

Early that morning in her room she was getting ready for work. Putting on her make-up in front of her vanity. I stood there behind her waiting for my moment and courage to kick in to ask her what I went in there for. Looking through the mirror with her eyes puffy from crying and she trying very fervently to cover it up with foundation, she asked, "Whats on your mind Son?" I asked her, Do you regret it all? "No" she said. She continued to put her make-up on. As I started to walk out she said, "The only thing I regret is that he wasted My Time and I can't get that back."

See I knew that she wasn't talking about us. She wasn't talking about the family she had acquired, the memories, the good times with him or her children. But the fact that he knew years ago that he didn't want to be with her and he so selfishly made her waste her time. She could have moved on.

But she didn't ever. She's a beautiful woman. But she never moved on. Maybe you can't move on after you've had Real Love. I honestly don't know.

This is a story, a mini-series if you will of a real Torrid Love Affair between two people...



I remembered love filled promises. All night whispered conversations about our favorite children's names. I remember long walks on the beach. Walks in which took place under worry-less circumstances. I remember holding hands under starlit skies and full moons. If we couldn't get to the beach you would make sure to find the stars in the neighborhood. Our fingers locked. Our smiles glued to our faces. Our souls intertwined and bound for a life destined for happiness. I remember our souls aligned and… and deep hearted laughter. Early morning phone calls to remind each other that we had something special. That we had something More than just something More in common.

You always preferred calling because you said you loved to hear my voice in the morning.
I remember finishing his sentences. He would give me a special nod to reassure me that he had finished my thought, you know.

We made dreams a reality. We turned our goals into a walk down the aisle, into a home, and then children to fill it all. See, we just didn't build a home. We built memories. We were rich with love and moral prosperity.

I remember the recitals you said you could never make because of work but always made. How you were there to see our children take their first steps right until you walked them down the aisle when it was their turn.

We took so much time to focus on our dreams and sand the pillars we had built. We focused so much on being a whole that we began to forget who we were as individuals.

I find myself after all these years with nothing more than memories. Something has changed. My love, is not the same. He, is not the same. My time with him is not what it was.

We don't laugh anymore. We don't walk anymore.

The tender whispers we shared have become idle threats and loud cries in the serenity that we built together.

Is it me?

I often ask myself that question. I ask myself, is it something that I have done? Maybe I changed. Maybe I forgot how to love him. Maybe I am not enough anymore. Perhaps, I am not as beautiful as he once thought. I've lost my intrigue.

At this stage in our lives all that matters is the time that we share. And what we do with that time. We have fulfilled all of our obligations to our family. Now its our time. But it seems as though he no longer can find the time for me. I'm filled with regret and frustration. Anger and disbelief. Pain and hurt. Confusion and ailments I lack words to describe.

Then I realize after much inquiry that it is not me that has altered the agreement we made to each other over twenty years ago. But it was Him. He's chosen to find affections elsewhere. To give his heart which he placed in my hands a long time ago to nurture and protect to another. He took it upon himself to bury the dreams and the memories. To tarnish the purity of what God blessed and our children benefitted from.

So he took it upon himself to put our love in a Casket as he galavants like an old-young fool around with a woman who couldn't be me if I taught her myself how to be so. He trades in his Queen for a Peasant in which he can stain and dirty the filthiest motel sheets adulterating money can buy.

There is no love.

Where is the respect that I earned years ago?

But, that's ok.

He thinks now that after all these years he can discard me. Destroy me.
He forgets who I am. Who I have been.

I am a Woman!

My name resounds strength.

My smile shines light on what is truth.

And my eyes tell a story of pride and joy in the middle of adversity.

Sure I am hurt and I am in pain.

But I will emerge from this just like I have been victorious and favored in everything else in my life.
 
So you go girl. You can have him. You can have the scraps of a man who I used to call a husband. You two together is just yesterday's paper on today's kitchen table, Obsolete. I won't be bitter. I won't let hate and anger consume me. Instead, I will wish you the two the best. And hope sweetie, that he doesn't turn your love into this grave that we used to call a marriage.

I wish most of it wasn't a mirage. I can get love back. I can laugh again. Maybe I will even cry over a man again. I don't feel like I wasted my life.

I just wish you wouldn't have wasted my time.
Because my time, is all that I can't get back.
TO BE CONTINUED...

We Are Trayvon Martin...

     Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Trayvon Martin left the home of his father's fiancee on the evening of February 26, 2012 for a quick run to the convenience store for a pack of skittles and iced tea before the start of the NBA All Star Game. He never knew that fate would allow him to cross paths with George Zimmerman and that the events that would transpire between them would ensure that he never made it back. At the age of 17, Trayvon Martin's life was snatched away from him before, most would agree, it ever really had the opportunity to begin.

It could have been anyone of our brothers, our sons, our cousins, our friends... The murder of Trayvon Martin and the subsequent lack of action by the Sanford, FL police department takes me back to a time where it was okay to kill a black person simply because of the color of their skin or because we were seen as being inferior. I may not have actually lived through those times but I learned about them, studied about them, gained a passion for the struggle that the people that came before me had to endure so that I would never forget and never take for granted what they had to go through so that I could be where I am today.

There have been times when I've believed that we have gotten over the "hump" of racism in America. I was fortunate enough to attend President Barack Obama's inauguration back in 2009. I mark it as one of the greatest events of my life. Not only was I proud to see an African American man, and his fully functioning family, sworn into the highest office in the world, but I swelled with pride at the solidarity that I witnessed on that cold January day in 2009. Patrons had to walk for miles to get to the Capitol Building and I vividly remember the sense of pride I felt at seeing all the supporters of our first black president. There were people from all over the world, of every nationality and belief and we were all there for the very same reason. I remember how we shared stories of how we'd been fortunate enough to get tickets to the historical event and how we traveled from near and far.  As we stood shoulder to shoulder and arm in arm, both because the crowd was so massive and to keep warm, I felt a sense of peace. From above I imagined that we had to have appeared as a sea of black, yellow, brown, and white and I thought it remarkable at just how far we collectively had come.

Fast forward to present day, it's been almost a month since Tracy Martin and Sybrina Fulton, lost their son to the hands of overzealous, self appointed "neighborhood watch captain" George Zimmerman and an arrest still has yet to be made. On the night in which the murder took place Zimmerman pleaded self defense as he stood over the slain body of  Trayvon Martin who was weaponless, had never been in any sort of trouble, and who's cries for help could clearly be heard by ear witnesses whose conversations were recorded as they called to report what was happening to the Sanford Police. There were no drug or alcohol tests performed on him nor was a background check done. I've seen and heard of men receiving more scrutiny after simply being pulled over while driving by the police.

This is a rude awakening that even though we've come far, there is still a long way to go. It saddens me because I know that one day I am going to give birth to greatness, and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to teach him that. I'm saddened because I know that I will have to also teach him that the world may not always view him that way. Like Trayvon, some people in the world may view him as another statistic, with an axe to grind and a reason to lock your doors or to clutch your bag as he makes his way past.

I'm mad because on February 27, 2012 George Zimmerman woke up in his bed, more than likely surrounded by family for support and Trayvon Martin didn't wake up because he was in a morgue, with no family surrounding him because there was no attempt made to notify them, (even though he was in possession of his cell phone), until his father reported him missing that morning upon realizing that his son had never made it home. The saddest part is that he never would...

I troll the major news stations hoping that there is a call to action and a push to make an arrest and the most I see are a few short segments and then they move on to the asinine actions of the Republican candidates or the recently released movie "Hunger Games" and it takes me to a place I'd rather not detail. I wonder if a young black man's loss of life isn't enough to anger everyone or has the fact that is happens at too alarming a rate desensitized everyone? Does his life only deserve a few short segments on the very same networks who were ready to burn Casey Anthony at the stake for her callous attitude and the part we all believe she played in the death of her daughter, Caylee Anthony. Is George Zimmerman any different? I wonder if it's who committed the crime that has made "mainstream" America slow to act or who lost their life? Which is the issue in this case?

This is different though. We heard the tape of Zimmerman's call to 911. We know that he deemed Trayvon "suspicious" and "up to no good" because he was wearing a hoodie even though he had detailed that it was raining that night in the beginning of the call. We know that he followed Trayvon even after being advised by the dispatcher not to do so. We know that Trayvon was on the phone with his girlfriend who stated that he'd told her that he was being followed. We know that Zimmerman claimed self defense even though Trayvon was only armed with a bag of skittles and a bottle of iced tea. Maybe Zimmerman thought Trayvon was going to make him taste the rainbow, eh? Most of all we KNOW that Trayvon Martin is dead.

What I simply want to know is WHY?



If you haven't done so already, please sign the petition to bring Trayvon Martin's killer to justice and then share it!
http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-our-son-17-year-old-trayvon-martin

My Drug Of Choice...

Ain't nothing like that first hit... That's what keeps us going back for more, chasing that high... LOVE ~Me


I love the idea of love but from my experience I can tell you that it can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Now I know that the idea of love is beautiful and that in the right situation it can bring out the very best in a person but I also know that when not in the confines of a healthy, mutual situation it can be the ultimate disaster.

Love should come wrapped in a pretty little box with a surgeon general's warning: *Love is a drug, use it responsibly.  I've learned that I have to be selfish with my love because it's THE very best gift I have to give and not everyone is going to appreciate and reciprocate it or know and understand just how to receive it. I'm hoping that everyone has a memorable Valentine's Day or Love Day, as I prefer to call it. I hope that it's filled with those good feelings that we think of when love comes to mind. I also hope that most realize that waiting for a particular day to express our feelings for the people we love is foolish. I love the gifts received on Love Day but if I love you I make it a point to show you and tell you on a regular basis. When this post came to mind the words literally flowed from my brain, through my fingertips, and onto the screen. I ended up with what follows....

Remember when you first inhaled it
That first hit of love
Remember the high and the instant euphoria you experienced
Your extremities tingled, butterflies danced within your belly
Your senses were heightened

That first hit had you open
You wanted it, craved it, thought about it all the time
You became a love junkie willing to do whatever it took to get that next hit
Constantly chasing that high
Never achieving the climax you reached your first time out the gate

Your body wasn't used to it then
You were a virgin to this thing called love 
Your first hit made you experience a sensation that you never knew existed.
So you chase it, trying to re-create that feeling

You hide your desire from the people around you
But everybody knows
You're addicted to that drug called love
For just a little taste you'd sell your soul
You don't want an intervention
No twelve step program will do
This is a lifelong addiction 
Giving it up is something you just ain't willing to do.

You chase it
Try to replace it
Sometimes mistake it
Now it's time to face it
It eludes you
Confuses you
Get a batch from the wrong person and it'll kill you

Ahhhhh this drug called love
Makes you feel so good
And yet it hurts so bad
Your heart beats for it
Your body craves for it
You don't get enough and your body betrays you
You lose sleep, unwilling to eat
You feel like a fool
You've got it bad
And you don't know what to do

And as much as you enjoy it
There are days you simply wish you never took that first pull... LOVE
Yeah... this thing called love, it's a helluva drug


Happy Love Day <3

No Star Gets To Shine Forever...

There is beauty in knowing that even after we are gone if we've touched people, pieces of us remain... ~ Me

I was sleeping when it happened. I had just awoken and reached for my phone when I read the news. I was on twitter scrolling up my timeline when I saw a few tweets stating Whitney Houston had passed. I didn't believe it at first. Afterall, twitter has a habit of killing people off and then pulling a "Jesus/Lazarus miracle" and then bringing them back to life. I changed the channel to see if it was true and to my dismay the news outlets were reporting that Mrs. Houston had died at the young age of 48, leaving behind a 19 year old daughter, her mother, her brother, and I'm certain a large amount of family, friends, and fans. My heart hurt and the inevitable tears started to flow... Most think I'm a tough cookie but the people who really know me know that it doesn't take much to turn on the waterworks. I believe in GOD and what the promise is for the afterlife but there is a part of me that cannot wrap my brain around the finality that comes with death. How much more did this person have to give? Was the best still yet to come? How do the people that are left behind cope? That is always what shakes me the most. The thoughts of the people that are left behind. I reflect back on the death of my grandmother last year. She lived a full life having died the day before her 83rd birthday and I was thankful for the thirty years that I was blessed to share with her but my heart ached for my mother most... The thought of losing the person that I hold most dear to me forms a knot in my chest and brings about feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I hurt for my mother because I knew that more than likely, those were the feelings she was experiencing. The only call I made was to my momma. Even at 31, I still need to hear her voice when I'm in a rut. She makes things better. My heart aches for Bobbi Kristina...

Whitney & her daugter Bobbi

Thoughts of growing up and listening and watching Whitney Houston's videos flashed through my mind. The years of her big hair and her colorful clothing flashed through my mind. Her ride or die love for Bobby Brown and the highs and lows of their relationship that played out in public flashed through my mind. Her struggles in recent years flashed through my mind. Her incredible gift... That flashed through my mind. It overshadowed every other thought. Music is the universal language. Good music has the ability to allow you to experience a plethora of emotions. Whitney Houston's music had that power. "How Will I Know" takes me back to my pre-adolescent days when I lived in Linden,NJ and was in awe of my older cousins who dressed like Whitney and saw how excited they got as we watched and danced to her music videos. I would belt that song out into my hairbrush as if I believed that some man was listening. "Greatest Love All" was the song that, even as a child, made me realize that loving myself might just be a good idea. And then there was "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)"! I'd like to believe that this song is what earned me my dancing shoes! I may be a whole lot of woman but I have never been shy about cutting a rug! This song was one of my catalysts! Lots of songs followed.  "Didn't We Almost Have It All", "Where Do Broken Hearts Go", "All The Man That I Need", "It's Not Right But It's Okay", "Exhale (Shoop Shoop), "Why Does It Hurt So Bad", "Try It On My Own", "Million Dollar Bill", "I Look To You", "I Didn't Know My Own Strength", and her most successful single "I Will Always Love You" from the 1992 Bodyguard soundtrack. I could go on, but there are too many to name... Each one of those songs blasted through our radios, tvs, iPods, computers and left indelible thoughts and memories in our minds and hearts. That's what good music does to you. It takes you back to a certain time or place in your life and makes those memories rich. We're all the main character in our lives and the supporting characters in others, the music that we listen to and love simply becomes our soundtracks. Whitney Houston's music has played in some of my favorite scenes...

Whitney Houston circa 1985

Whitney Houston was human, despite her enormous talent she had issues just like any other person. I remember when Aaliyah died in my early twenties and how saddened and thoroughly confused I was by her death. She was young and beautiful and I could not for the life of me understand why GOD had chosen to cut her life so short. It was then at the age of twenty that it dawned on me that death did not discriminate. When death comes, it takes with it who it will, regardless of who and what you are. Young or old, fat or thin, extremely attractive or not so much we all have a debt to pay. It clicked for me then that celebrities were no different from you and I. They're just people who have been blessed enough to be able to do what they love and be compensated and lauded because of it. The life and the death of the iconic Whitney Houston drove that point home for me tonight.

Whitney & Bobby

I've heard some of the things that people have to say about Whitney. A lot of it has been good but as can be expected some people have had nothing but negative to say. I liken it to going to someone's funeral, standing in front of the church, and talking about how horrible a person the deceased was. I used to always joke about why no one ever said anything negative about a person at their funeral. Now I understand why. There's no room for it. The last thing needed in death is judgement from people who honestly are no better than them. We remember the good times in death. We pray for peace for the deceased and their family, and we hopefully are reminded that our time here is short and that it is our RESPONSIBILITY to do our very best with the time that has been gifted to us. Say what you want about Mrs. Houston but you have to say this, she lived her life and shared the very best of herself with us. After you allow that thought to marinate in your mind, ask yourself this. What will people say about you when you're no longer here? How much will people be affected by your passing? What will your legacy be? If you draw a blank, I recommend you spend less time debating on what Whitney Houston did and didn't do and spend a lot more time focusing on you.


When someone passes in my family we mourn but we spend a lot of time sharing memories and laughing as we ponder things they did and said. A few years ago, Whitney was interviewed by talk show host Wendy Williams back in her radio days on NY's WBLS. Wendy in true fashion, had gotten a bit wreckless with her line of questions and Whitney frustrated by all the comments Wendy had made about her simply told her to "...watch what you say, that's all baby girl, watch what the f#@k you say..."! Indeed, Whitney Houston was as human as you and I. I hope that you all hear that voice as the negative words form on your lips or as you punch the keys to type and share those negative thoughts.


 I'll be keeping Mrs. Houston and her family in prayer, and her music in heavy rotation. GOD willing there's still a lot of time left in my life and a lot more soundtracks to create.

Rest In Perfect Peace Whitney Houston aka Nippy. Thank you very much for your amazing gift.

Life: What Are Things That Go On For 100?!

Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it? Moral of the story, life goes on... ~Me


I haven't been writing much lately. Life has been so busy for me as of late and I honestly haven't had the time... A few times a week I'll think about setting some time aside to put the thoughts going thru my mind down on paper. In most cases I ended up losing the battle to sleep, (which I don't get enough of lately), or some work related project I'm working on will have a loose end that needs to be tied up and my focus will go to that. Tonight I was laying in my bed looking at some old pics when the quote I started this post with came to mind. It automatically inspired me to write...

Now this may sound cheesy or just plain corny but it gets no simpler than that quote. I think about my life and where I am right now and I feel like I'm on the brink of greatness! For the first time ever I can say that I'm in total control of every aspect of my life. I'm calculating my steps and making strong moves for a secure future. I'm proud of myself... And that feels good.

As I lay in my bed pondering these thoughts, I can't help but to reflect on where I've been. Now I won't sing you a sad song, this isn't the time for that but I have to say that looking back I realize just how blessed I've been. There have been periods in my life where I didn't quite know what to do next or just how I would find the strength to do it. I'll be forthright and say that in too many cases these feelings revolved around my dealings with men. Now this isn't a relationship post per se'. Take from it what you see fit, but for me that's where my thoughts went to tonight. I thought about a man I used to LOVE. I ate, slept, and breathed my love for him and when we parted ways I honestly didn't know what to do next... I made myself miserable with thoughts that I'd never be happy without him. I made other people miserable because I was no longer with him... My angst was messy and I wasted a lot of time and energy focused on something that I didn't even quite understand. Now this was years ago. And my lightbulb moment has long come and gone. I remember waking up one morning, it was a few years ago in September, and it just didn't hurt anymore... I attribute that to GOD because in that period of my life I spent a lot of time talking to Him. I remember everything being easier. It was like going to bed an addict one night and the next day waking up clean and sober. The taste had simply been taken away. I was thankful then but I don't think it hit me until now how true that statement is that "life goes on". Tonight as I mull over where I am in my life it pleases me to know that I've gained a better understanding of that. Today, as the Rolanda that I am, there'd be no room in my life for him. I say that with every ounce of humility but with absolute honesty. He simply wouldn't fit...

So ask yourself the questions... Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it?

Whatever it is you're going thru and regardless of the state that your life is currently in, life goes on. Trust me when I tell you. You'll look back on these very moments and realize that the outcome was for the very best. It's simply adding to the person that you're supposed to become and down the line you'll realize that, that piece never quite fit into your pretty little puzzle anyway. I love me and I don't think the outcome would be quite the same if I'd gotten some of the things I used to believe I couldn't live without! Oh! The stories I could tell you all (I am a hot mess! Lol)...  Trust that there is a reason that whatever it is may not be for you. Chuck it up to experience and simply remind yourself that life truly does go on. And go on and get better it does...

Talk to you all very soon <3

What's Up Ahead...

Hey Guys!!!! Happy Friday! I used to have a youtube channel and I figured I'd integrate a video into the blog from time to time. This vid wasn't actually made for CofaS but I decided to upload it anyway. Take a peek and see what's ahead for Chronicles of a Singlista and some of the other things I have going on!!! Hit me up at chroniclesofasinglista@yahoo.com if you're interested in being featured as a guy of the week on "Bonjour Monsieur" or if you have a business or upcoming event you'd like posted! Thanks for tuning in! <3

You Gotta Beat Him To Keep Him...

Well-behaved women seldom make history... ~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


Men love abuse, so club them over the heads, drag them home and handcuff them to your bed to ensure they never leave your side... It's not what best selling, award winning author/tv personality Tionna Smalls had in mind when she wrote her newest book "Men Love Abuse: The Guide to Losing the Image of Being the Nice Girl & Getting the Man You Want",  (which will be released on January 27, 2012 through the publishing company she owns aptly named Talk Dat Ish Books), but I definitely think she was on to something! Most of us first saw Tionna in 2010 on season one of  VH1's "What Chilli Wants" where she was appointed matchmaker for one third of the Grammy award winning group, TLC. Viewers were just as confused as Tionna was when Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas ran down her list of must haves in a potential mate. We were also pleasantly surprised by Chilli choosing Bill, (who I thought was pretty fly for a white guy), on the finale episode. After seeing the variety of men she brought to the table and how she was willing to fight Chilli tooth and nail to tackle the task at hand, most of us left feeling that this chic Tionna might actually know what the heck she was talking about.

Fast forward to present day, Tionna has wrapped the second season of What Chilli Wants. She has opened up a lifestyle boutique in the Bedstuy section of Brooklyn called Loveys (shoploveys.com) that caters to a woman's accessory, body, and beauty needs, (Check it out ladies! I've been there and it's fab!). She's also following up her 2011 rerelease of the award winning, best selling "Girl Get Your Mind Right" (Harper Collins) with the first volume of her new pocketbook series "Men Love Abuse" (Talk Dat Ish Books) due to be released in just a few short days. Oh!!! And did I mention that she's also engaged and working on a new television project and that she's accomplished all of this by the tender age of twenty seven?!?! Yeah, I think it's safe to say Tionna is definitely batting a pretty decent average! I sat down with her recently, (okay, maybe I didn't sit with her but I emailed her and she was kind enough to get back to me...), and asked her a few questions about her new book and what she's hoping to convey to her mostly female audience. If I say nothing else about Tionna, I can definitely say that she's raw, she's real, and she's right... Take a gander at what she had to say:

Singlista: What inspired you to start offering advice and writing books for us single women?

Tionna:When I begin writing relationship/dating stuff, I too was a single woman. I went through a few light trials and tribulations with guys that made me very eager and excited to write about it. I was like Carrie in Sex in the City, just reflecting on my life as a single woman. I always had a strong personality and I always kept it real so I said why not add all of this together and capitalize off of it. I write my books so it can inspire women and lift them up. My books are not preachy, they are very hey-girlfriendish...

Singlista: It's obvious from reading your books and having watched you on "What Chilli Wants" that you are a very headstrong in your approach to relationships and how women should deal with men. Have you always been this way?

Tionna: I have always been a BOSS CHICK when it came down to boys and men. I had my first boyfriend when I was 15 years old. We stayed together until I was almost 21. He proposed to me and everything. I always knew men. My father taught me the game young. Tionna Smalls being in a relationship at 15 is the same Tionna Smalls being in a relationship at 27 except I am a little nicer and respect my man more now. Girl, the game never changed, the players did.

Singlista: What do you believe the biggest mistake is that women make when first meeting and dating a man?

Tionna:They give up too much too fast. Their heart, their coochie, and their time. You have to really sit back and let a man work for all of that. You can have sex and do you but geesh, stop falling in love at a drop of a hat then get mad when things don't work out.

Singlista:What would we be surprised to learn about Tionna in her down time when she's not the author or entrepeneur? Is there a soft sensitive side hiding in there?

Tionna: LOL. There is definitely a softer side. But wow, good question...I am so open with my life it's hard to say but yes I am a softie at times. I cry when I watch Rocky and when I accomplish something that I never believe I could accomplish like my boutique (Loveys) being show on Love & Hip Hop. Overall I can say I am soft at times but I try not to show that side because people take advantage of that. So I just play my position. I am still a girl so I love girly things...sometimes, haha!

Singlista: We women sometimes get too lost in the idea of being in a relationship. What should we be doing when we're single to make sure we're better women not just for ourselves, but for the future men in our lives?

Tionna: Gosh, you have the best questions in the world...I love you already. Well, the first thing women especially should do when they are single is take time to be by themselves. Learn what it is you like in a man and what you like in yourself. Definitely step your game up and make sure you have your own ish together like home, car, multiple stream of income, credit right. You know, the works! Lyfe Jennings said it best, "Be the Person you want to find. Don't be a nickel out here searching for a dime." He is so right. I say, date yourself, love yourself FIRST. You can't possibly a great mate to someone else if you dont have yourself together and that is real talk.

Singlista: What is your challenge to women about the "types" of men they like. Dolvett was obviously not Chilli's type but you were adamant that she give him a chance.

Tionna: My new book is called "Men Love Abuse" but I think everyone love abuse. Women go for the guy that don't want them and that they have to take their Loubs and put on their kicks to chase. They never like the nice guy who like them and that is why many women are alone. I said it once and I will say it again, love the one who loves you! Stop chasing dudes who clearly do not want you. We all have done it but enough is enough especially when you get a certain age. The thug guys and the dudes who poke everything walking (player) is so 1999. You have to make a decision about your love life with your mind and think long term and not for what's right now.

Singlista: Ultimately, what do you want women to take away from reading your books and watching you on television? What are you hoping to inspire?

Tionna: I want all my readers and supporters to feel enlightened, motivated, and on their grind when it come down to men and their money. You get a piece of me with every book and tv show. I just want you all to know that you have a sister within me who is not afraid to share her stories and listen to yours. Banging a dude who don't want you, been cheated on, or your catbag smell because you have a nasty infection...no judgements here. We all been there. I hope to inspire a nation of strong sisters, leaders, business woman, but most of all lovers. Thanks for having me and please tell your readers to follow me on Twitter. http://twitter.com/tionnasmalls. Also, buy my new book, "Men Love Abuse" which will be released on the 27th. They have exclusive copies on the Nook now so check me out. You can also buy my other book, Girl, Get Your Mind Right!" available everywhere books are sold.

Side note- thanks for the interview you are a magnificent writer and these questions are thought provoking

*Gasps* at her use of the term "catbag"!!! I told you she was raw and real!! Lol...

Thanks a million for the interview Tionna! I'm looking forward to a great read!

You can get your copies of "Girl Get Your Mind Right!" anywhere books are sold. "Men Love Abuse"  will be available everywhere books are sold on 1/27 but is available now exclusively on Nook. Be certain to leave a review! You can check out Loveys at shoploveys.com or in person at 377 Marcus Garvey Blvd, Brooklyn, NY 11221. Follow Tionna on twitter @TionnaSmalls and Loveys @ShopLoveys.

I'm off to club this guy over the head and drag him back to my boudoir!  After all men love abuse and from what I hear nice girls finish last...

His Starter Ended It All...

A man should be willing to fight for his woman, a woman should ensure he never has to... ~Me

The text read, and I quote,  "When I get paid on Friday, unless you could help me out until then, would you be able to :o)"? I paused to reread the message that had popped up on my blackberry screen, ensuring that I'd actually read it correctly and broke out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. I don't know if I was laughing because of the the hilarity of his question or simply because I figured that this was typical of my luck, but it took a great deal of will to regain my composure. I read the text again and struggled to hold back the laughter. It had to be a combination of both...

I'd met him a little less than two weeks before. He seemed like a decent guy: well mannered, respectful, GOD fearing, smart, well spoken, and possessed what seemed to be good morals. He asked me real questions. What exactly are you looking for in a man? Are you interested in having children? What were my dating habits? What my sexuality was? That last question had stumped me, but once he explained how so many people were try-sexual and that he was only interested in dating a woman interested in men, it made complete sense. I'd asked men about their sexuality on numerous occasions in the past. I wasn't used to having the question thrown back at me. He asked questions about me and my family and shared his story as well. He was engaging and I liked that. Of course there was playful banter but he seemed poised in that he had a good idea of what he wanted, and deserved in a woman. He was 6'5, caramel complexion, well spoken with a perfect set of beautiful teeth, and well groomed facial hair. He said he was the last of a dying breed. I'd asked if he had come to that conclusion on his own or if someone had crowned him that title. He'd assured me that he knew he was a good man. I congratulated him and quoted the line my dad always uses, "If you don't say I am, who's going to say thou art?" His confidence was a bit much, but I was attracted to it. I'm an aggressive, assertive woman and a headstrong, secure man is what I need. Needless to say, my curiosity was somewhat piqued.

So you can imagine my surprise when he'd texted me that response... Wait, I'm going too fast. Let me rewind a bit. He'd started off the morning with a text to say "Good morning gorgeous." You know how those texts put a smile on your face ladies regardless of where you are with a man in your relationship, even if it is game. He'd wanted to check to see if I was awake because he'd known that I'd come home in the wee hours of the morning after a night of festivities with my sisters and a few friends. I had gotten a call from work about a half an hour earlier and I'd made my way to the sofa with a blanket with the intention of planning my day. We exchanged a few texts back and forth of me telling him about my night out and him telling me about the quiet night he'd had. He wanted to know what my plans were for the day. I was still deciding. He'd told me in a previous conversation that the starter had gone on his car and that he needed to get that taken care of. I had asked did he see it happening that day, and then came the BIG bang, "When I get paid on Friday, unless you could help me out until then, would you be able to :o)". Had he just asked me for money? The guy that I'd met less than two weeks ago... HELL & NO *Pause* Now let me first say, that there isn't a stingy bone in my body. Most would probably say that I'm too generous but there is no way on GOD's green earth that I'm giving a man I barely know money unless he's wearing dirty clothes and holding a tin can. Point blank period! *UNPAUSE* I laughed, because it was pure comedy! I think that GOD has a sense of humor so He keeps giving me material.

 I simply told him that I barely knew him and that I definitely didn't feel we were anywhere near the point where I'd feel comfortable lending him money. Now the conversation should've stopped there but he replied that he didn't think that that we had to be at a certain point in order for me to help someone. Now the more he texts the more turned off I become.  He continues in saying that when I'd said that he should let me know if I could help in a previous conversation that he'd believed me to be sincere. At this point, I was up off the sofa, pacing back and forth, having a "White Chicks" so you wanna talk about mothers moment!!! Was he serious?!?!?  Not only had he asked me, a woman and a relative stranger, for a loan to fix his car, but he also had the nerve to question my sincerity! At this point I wanted him and his dying breed to flee as far away from me as possible! Hmph!

Now some may say that I overreacted and that he seemed like a great guy and that him asking me showed a great deal of humility. I beg to differ. I look at it like this, he ought to be humiliated asking me for anything at this point in the road. Yes, that may be harsh but I figure he either lacked the kind of pride I want any man I deal with to possess or he wasn't interested enough in getting to know me to exhibit any pride whatsoever... I decided to choose the answer behind door number one for the sake of making me feel good and exit to the left because I no longer had any intention of finding out.

I chalk it up to an issue of standards. I'm definitely willing to bend but I won't break. I've learned that if a man doesn't show interest in catering to you and showing the man that he can be, especially in the beginning, he's a.) Not interested or b.) not where he needs to be as a man. I don't care how shy, laid back, boisterous, or over the top he is. If he doesn't strive to take on that male role and show you how he can play the position of the man in your life keep it moving ladies. I've been guilty of missing these signs. It's second nature. Every male species has a way of showing the female species they're the man. It's not about money.  This was about principle, that's non negotiable. I shared the story with a girlfriend and she told me of how a friend of hers had a guy ask her to borrow ten dollars a week after meeting her for a haircut. I've got one better, get a pair of scissors and cut him loose. He must've belonged to the same dying breed of the guy that I had met! This dating thing is very interesting...