My Time- A Love Affair Mini Series- Part IV

The faint smell of perfume in my truck makes my stomach turn. As I pull away from the house that was once so filled with love I can't help but to stare in the rear view window as I have done so many times before. The further my SUV creeps down the tree lined street the smaller the house appears. In time it will disappear. I wonder if this is reminiscent of my life.

Things were different tonight. I am losing her. I tell myself that things will get better, they will be just like they were before but I know that I am fooling myself. Although she wants to, I know that she could never love a man like me again. I am a fool who allowed his pride to ruin the most beautiful thing I've ever had... I hear the thoughts as they dance through my mind but I know that I will never utter the words. Again, it is my pride that won't allow me to admit what I know is the truth.

You have made a complete mess of this and as a result you have lost your family and the only woman you have ever truly loved...

I turn up the volume of the stereo to help drown my thoughts. It is all I can seem to do anymore. Even my mind has betrayed me and has taken sides with my wife...

How much longer will I be able to call her that...?

I want to turn around and go back. I want to run back into her arms and tell her how sorry I am, how foolish I've been, how it is time that I come home and she and I become "us" again but my body will not oblige with the thoughts in my head. It is a battle I have been fighting for far too long and I seem to be losing. I take a drink from the open bottle at my feet. It burns as it goes down. The taste is not pleasing but it numbs the pain and I take it as an even trade. I am a failure. I failed as a husband and as a result, I am now failing as a father. My children are old enough to understand and, naturally, they have sided with their mother. I hurt her. The truth is I have hurt them too. My son doesn't even look me in the eyes when he speaks to me and I can't find the words to make them understand. I suppose that there are none...

I miss her. They way that you miss something that is apart of you when it is gone. I find myself pretending that she is still by my side to feel complete. I have become so lost that I am unable to find my way back and like most men in this predicament I am too stubborn to ask for directions. I go to the counseling every week but it doesn't seem to help. This was her idea and I do not understand how telling a perfect stranger about our lives will make anything better. I go because I want to make her happy though. It is the least that I can do.

I know that she stopped loving me the way that I needed her to but it is because I stopped loving myself. I looked for what I could no longer find at home elsewhere and somewhere along the way I lost a piece of me too. I used to tell my children that the grass may look greener on the other side but you haven't a clue what it takes to keep it that way. Even I didn't understand the gravity of what I was telling them until now. I'd give anything for the solace and the peace of where I used to be.With my wife... I love her in a way that cannot be explained, so I ceased telling and showing her. She is truly my better half and I know that, more than likely, I will never get her back.

I turn the truck into the desolate motel parking lot that has become my new home, pull into my usual spot, and turn off the ignition. My mind continues to wander as I listen to the motor softly hiss and the car dies down. I have to remember to take it in for maintenance tomorrow morning. I gather my belongings that I picked up from the house and take the usual path, up the flight of steps to my room door. As I approach, I drop some of my clothing and I bend to pick them up. As I retrieve the last of my belongings the door to the room flies open and the scent of that same cheap perfume from my car that always seems to make me want to regurgitate invades my senses and it is all I can do to not throw up.

"Papi, where have you been all day? I've been waiting for you," the female voice says.

I walk into the place that has now become my home, with the woman who says she is now my wife, and wonder how on GOD's green earth did I let this become my life...

My Time- A Love Affair Mini Series- Part III

It has been some time that has passed. I have been roaming this empty house all alone. Like a woman without purpose.  Thinking, about all of the memories good and bad that were shared here. Wondering, if there would be anymore memories to create in this shell of a home. Worried, still worried about him. Has he eaten, is he taking care of himself, what is he doing? But then I try to shake it off. I turn my focus on the children. Telling myself that the children are all I need and that my faith….my faith in the Lord will sustain me. I just can't seem to say those words without a hefty sigh. A sigh that betrays my optimism. Words that express a deep reality of my spirit but just another beautiful phrase my heart questions.

It isn't that I don't believe it but how much more praying can one woman do? God I'd never thought I would ever say that out loud. But none the less I do not give up. But I took my pastor's advise and He and I are seeing a marriage counselor. It's not that God cannot fix all things but sometimes you just need a third-party. I couldn't even tell you if it's working. I'm not sure how much I want it to work. We go alone and we go together. When we are there together it just seems like we are there to place blame. It's a process that I wasn't prepared for. Who can prepare themselves for something like this?

I mean after all I figured why not counseling. It's the new hip thing to do. Lord knows the water is shallow out there. And the fish, well everyone knows that fish in shallow waters don't develop well. I mean what am I to do now? Oh my God to start dating ALL OVER AGAIN. At my age and with my tolerance.

I don't know why I keep walking around the house like I am looking for something, someone.
I find myself circling his closet. I keep staring at an old pair of sneakers. "God I hate these sneakers."

But he loves them. He always said they were the most comfortable shoes that he ever had. I always asked him to throw them away but he always said that he couldn't because in a silly way they reminded him of us. How great we fit together. How although time has beaten them up a little they always seem to carry him home comfortably. He always said, the left and right shoe were made for each other, and that is just how we were made for each other, comfortable and perfect. Maybe we got too comfortable.

"I should have bought him new sneakers."

"Is that the door?"

I open the door and there he is. He's come to pick up some more of his things.

After he's gathered some clothing we just circle each other with our eyes in the kitchen. Staring at each other with nothing to say. What is he thinking? I wonder if he really wants to come back home?

Should I say something?

"How have you been?"

Wow she has really nothing to say to me. She just answers with a simple nod. She looks like she's been crying. I wish I could make this right but I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to fix what we messed up. I don't even know if she feels like some of this is on her too.

"How's work?" I ask him. "It's ok." He no longer has anything else to say to me but just it's ok.

When did it get so awkward between us. I remember all the nights we beat the sun up just talking and laughing. Enjoying each other the way two new college kids would just trying to get to know each other. In this same kitchen where we cooked countless dinners for our children. Where I cooked her many of romantic breakfasts. We were such great lovers. We would make love all night until the hour-glass was worn out from being turned over and over. But now we stand in the same kitchen. A kitchen which is now just a museum of what used to be. I wonder what she is doing in this house alone all the time. I know it scares her. She has to hate being alone here.
If only an embrace could fix all of our problems like the first time we had a fight twenty years ago. There were no apologies, no I'm sorrys just a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Then talked about what movie we were going to cuddle on the couch and watch.

I wish my thoughts would stop bombarding me with all the different scenarios and what would have been. I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. But how do I express that without sounding like I am nagging. If he would just hug me and kiss me on the forehead right now I would just leave everything in God's hands and pray that he helps me forget and move on with my husband. I wonder if he would. If only he…

I guess I should go. It doesn't look like she has anything to say to me.

"Well OK, so I'll see you around at the next session. It was good to see you. Bye."

"Yes, take care of yourself, see you next week."