My Drug Of Choice...

Ain't nothing like that first hit... That's what keeps us going back for more, chasing that high... LOVE ~Me


I love the idea of love but from my experience I can tell you that it can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Now I know that the idea of love is beautiful and that in the right situation it can bring out the very best in a person but I also know that when not in the confines of a healthy, mutual situation it can be the ultimate disaster.

Love should come wrapped in a pretty little box with a surgeon general's warning: *Love is a drug, use it responsibly.  I've learned that I have to be selfish with my love because it's THE very best gift I have to give and not everyone is going to appreciate and reciprocate it or know and understand just how to receive it. I'm hoping that everyone has a memorable Valentine's Day or Love Day, as I prefer to call it. I hope that it's filled with those good feelings that we think of when love comes to mind. I also hope that most realize that waiting for a particular day to express our feelings for the people we love is foolish. I love the gifts received on Love Day but if I love you I make it a point to show you and tell you on a regular basis. When this post came to mind the words literally flowed from my brain, through my fingertips, and onto the screen. I ended up with what follows....

Remember when you first inhaled it
That first hit of love
Remember the high and the instant euphoria you experienced
Your extremities tingled, butterflies danced within your belly
Your senses were heightened

That first hit had you open
You wanted it, craved it, thought about it all the time
You became a love junkie willing to do whatever it took to get that next hit
Constantly chasing that high
Never achieving the climax you reached your first time out the gate

Your body wasn't used to it then
You were a virgin to this thing called love 
Your first hit made you experience a sensation that you never knew existed.
So you chase it, trying to re-create that feeling

You hide your desire from the people around you
But everybody knows
You're addicted to that drug called love
For just a little taste you'd sell your soul
You don't want an intervention
No twelve step program will do
This is a lifelong addiction 
Giving it up is something you just ain't willing to do.

You chase it
Try to replace it
Sometimes mistake it
Now it's time to face it
It eludes you
Confuses you
Get a batch from the wrong person and it'll kill you

Ahhhhh this drug called love
Makes you feel so good
And yet it hurts so bad
Your heart beats for it
Your body craves for it
You don't get enough and your body betrays you
You lose sleep, unwilling to eat
You feel like a fool
You've got it bad
And you don't know what to do

And as much as you enjoy it
There are days you simply wish you never took that first pull... LOVE
Yeah... this thing called love, it's a helluva drug


Happy Love Day <3

No Star Gets To Shine Forever...

There is beauty in knowing that even after we are gone if we've touched people, pieces of us remain... ~ Me

I was sleeping when it happened. I had just awoken and reached for my phone when I read the news. I was on twitter scrolling up my timeline when I saw a few tweets stating Whitney Houston had passed. I didn't believe it at first. Afterall, twitter has a habit of killing people off and then pulling a "Jesus/Lazarus miracle" and then bringing them back to life. I changed the channel to see if it was true and to my dismay the news outlets were reporting that Mrs. Houston had died at the young age of 48, leaving behind a 19 year old daughter, her mother, her brother, and I'm certain a large amount of family, friends, and fans. My heart hurt and the inevitable tears started to flow... Most think I'm a tough cookie but the people who really know me know that it doesn't take much to turn on the waterworks. I believe in GOD and what the promise is for the afterlife but there is a part of me that cannot wrap my brain around the finality that comes with death. How much more did this person have to give? Was the best still yet to come? How do the people that are left behind cope? That is always what shakes me the most. The thoughts of the people that are left behind. I reflect back on the death of my grandmother last year. She lived a full life having died the day before her 83rd birthday and I was thankful for the thirty years that I was blessed to share with her but my heart ached for my mother most... The thought of losing the person that I hold most dear to me forms a knot in my chest and brings about feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I hurt for my mother because I knew that more than likely, those were the feelings she was experiencing. The only call I made was to my momma. Even at 31, I still need to hear her voice when I'm in a rut. She makes things better. My heart aches for Bobbi Kristina...

Whitney & her daugter Bobbi

Thoughts of growing up and listening and watching Whitney Houston's videos flashed through my mind. The years of her big hair and her colorful clothing flashed through my mind. Her ride or die love for Bobby Brown and the highs and lows of their relationship that played out in public flashed through my mind. Her struggles in recent years flashed through my mind. Her incredible gift... That flashed through my mind. It overshadowed every other thought. Music is the universal language. Good music has the ability to allow you to experience a plethora of emotions. Whitney Houston's music had that power. "How Will I Know" takes me back to my pre-adolescent days when I lived in Linden,NJ and was in awe of my older cousins who dressed like Whitney and saw how excited they got as we watched and danced to her music videos. I would belt that song out into my hairbrush as if I believed that some man was listening. "Greatest Love All" was the song that, even as a child, made me realize that loving myself might just be a good idea. And then there was "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)"! I'd like to believe that this song is what earned me my dancing shoes! I may be a whole lot of woman but I have never been shy about cutting a rug! This song was one of my catalysts! Lots of songs followed.  "Didn't We Almost Have It All", "Where Do Broken Hearts Go", "All The Man That I Need", "It's Not Right But It's Okay", "Exhale (Shoop Shoop), "Why Does It Hurt So Bad", "Try It On My Own", "Million Dollar Bill", "I Look To You", "I Didn't Know My Own Strength", and her most successful single "I Will Always Love You" from the 1992 Bodyguard soundtrack. I could go on, but there are too many to name... Each one of those songs blasted through our radios, tvs, iPods, computers and left indelible thoughts and memories in our minds and hearts. That's what good music does to you. It takes you back to a certain time or place in your life and makes those memories rich. We're all the main character in our lives and the supporting characters in others, the music that we listen to and love simply becomes our soundtracks. Whitney Houston's music has played in some of my favorite scenes...

Whitney Houston circa 1985

Whitney Houston was human, despite her enormous talent she had issues just like any other person. I remember when Aaliyah died in my early twenties and how saddened and thoroughly confused I was by her death. She was young and beautiful and I could not for the life of me understand why GOD had chosen to cut her life so short. It was then at the age of twenty that it dawned on me that death did not discriminate. When death comes, it takes with it who it will, regardless of who and what you are. Young or old, fat or thin, extremely attractive or not so much we all have a debt to pay. It clicked for me then that celebrities were no different from you and I. They're just people who have been blessed enough to be able to do what they love and be compensated and lauded because of it. The life and the death of the iconic Whitney Houston drove that point home for me tonight.

Whitney & Bobby

I've heard some of the things that people have to say about Whitney. A lot of it has been good but as can be expected some people have had nothing but negative to say. I liken it to going to someone's funeral, standing in front of the church, and talking about how horrible a person the deceased was. I used to always joke about why no one ever said anything negative about a person at their funeral. Now I understand why. There's no room for it. The last thing needed in death is judgement from people who honestly are no better than them. We remember the good times in death. We pray for peace for the deceased and their family, and we hopefully are reminded that our time here is short and that it is our RESPONSIBILITY to do our very best with the time that has been gifted to us. Say what you want about Mrs. Houston but you have to say this, she lived her life and shared the very best of herself with us. After you allow that thought to marinate in your mind, ask yourself this. What will people say about you when you're no longer here? How much will people be affected by your passing? What will your legacy be? If you draw a blank, I recommend you spend less time debating on what Whitney Houston did and didn't do and spend a lot more time focusing on you.


When someone passes in my family we mourn but we spend a lot of time sharing memories and laughing as we ponder things they did and said. A few years ago, Whitney was interviewed by talk show host Wendy Williams back in her radio days on NY's WBLS. Wendy in true fashion, had gotten a bit wreckless with her line of questions and Whitney frustrated by all the comments Wendy had made about her simply told her to "...watch what you say, that's all baby girl, watch what the f#@k you say..."! Indeed, Whitney Houston was as human as you and I. I hope that you all hear that voice as the negative words form on your lips or as you punch the keys to type and share those negative thoughts.


 I'll be keeping Mrs. Houston and her family in prayer, and her music in heavy rotation. GOD willing there's still a lot of time left in my life and a lot more soundtracks to create.

Rest In Perfect Peace Whitney Houston aka Nippy. Thank you very much for your amazing gift.

Life: What Are Things That Go On For 100?!

Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it? Moral of the story, life goes on... ~Me


I haven't been writing much lately. Life has been so busy for me as of late and I honestly haven't had the time... A few times a week I'll think about setting some time aside to put the thoughts going thru my mind down on paper. In most cases I ended up losing the battle to sleep, (which I don't get enough of lately), or some work related project I'm working on will have a loose end that needs to be tied up and my focus will go to that. Tonight I was laying in my bed looking at some old pics when the quote I started this post with came to mind. It automatically inspired me to write...

Now this may sound cheesy or just plain corny but it gets no simpler than that quote. I think about my life and where I am right now and I feel like I'm on the brink of greatness! For the first time ever I can say that I'm in total control of every aspect of my life. I'm calculating my steps and making strong moves for a secure future. I'm proud of myself... And that feels good.

As I lay in my bed pondering these thoughts, I can't help but to reflect on where I've been. Now I won't sing you a sad song, this isn't the time for that but I have to say that looking back I realize just how blessed I've been. There have been periods in my life where I didn't quite know what to do next or just how I would find the strength to do it. I'll be forthright and say that in too many cases these feelings revolved around my dealings with men. Now this isn't a relationship post per se'. Take from it what you see fit, but for me that's where my thoughts went to tonight. I thought about a man I used to LOVE. I ate, slept, and breathed my love for him and when we parted ways I honestly didn't know what to do next... I made myself miserable with thoughts that I'd never be happy without him. I made other people miserable because I was no longer with him... My angst was messy and I wasted a lot of time and energy focused on something that I didn't even quite understand. Now this was years ago. And my lightbulb moment has long come and gone. I remember waking up one morning, it was a few years ago in September, and it just didn't hurt anymore... I attribute that to GOD because in that period of my life I spent a lot of time talking to Him. I remember everything being easier. It was like going to bed an addict one night and the next day waking up clean and sober. The taste had simply been taken away. I was thankful then but I don't think it hit me until now how true that statement is that "life goes on". Tonight as I mull over where I am in my life it pleases me to know that I've gained a better understanding of that. Today, as the Rolanda that I am, there'd be no room in my life for him. I say that with every ounce of humility but with absolute honesty. He simply wouldn't fit...

So ask yourself the questions... Remember that thing you wanted so badly? Remember the moment you realized you were better off without it?

Whatever it is you're going thru and regardless of the state that your life is currently in, life goes on. Trust me when I tell you. You'll look back on these very moments and realize that the outcome was for the very best. It's simply adding to the person that you're supposed to become and down the line you'll realize that, that piece never quite fit into your pretty little puzzle anyway. I love me and I don't think the outcome would be quite the same if I'd gotten some of the things I used to believe I couldn't live without! Oh! The stories I could tell you all (I am a hot mess! Lol)...  Trust that there is a reason that whatever it is may not be for you. Chuck it up to experience and simply remind yourself that life truly does go on. And go on and get better it does...

Talk to you all very soon <3