The faint smell of perfume in my truck makes my stomach turn. As I pull away from the house that was once so filled with love I can't help but to stare in the rear view window as I have done so many times before. The further my SUV creeps down the tree lined street the smaller the house appears. In time it will disappear. I wonder if this is reminiscent of my life.
Things were different tonight. I am losing her. I tell myself that things will get better, they will be just like they were before but I know that I am fooling myself. Although she wants to, I know that she could never love a man like me again. I am a fool who allowed his pride to ruin the most beautiful thing I've ever had... I hear the thoughts as they dance through my mind but I know that I will never utter the words. Again, it is my pride that won't allow me to admit what I know is the truth.
You have made a complete mess of this and as a result you have lost your family and the only woman you have ever truly loved...
I turn up the volume of the stereo to help drown my thoughts. It is all I can seem to do anymore. Even my mind has betrayed me and has taken sides with my wife...
How much longer will I be able to call her that...?
I want to turn around and go back. I want to run back into her arms and tell her how sorry I am, how foolish I've been, how it is time that I come home and she and I become "us" again but my body will not oblige with the thoughts in my head. It is a battle I have been fighting for far too long and I seem to be losing. I take a drink from the open bottle at my feet. It burns as it goes down. The taste is not pleasing but it numbs the pain and I take it as an even trade. I am a failure. I failed as a husband and as a result, I am now failing as a father. My children are old enough to understand and, naturally, they have sided with their mother. I hurt her. The truth is I have hurt them too. My son doesn't even look me in the eyes when he speaks to me and I can't find the words to make them understand. I suppose that there are none...
I miss her. They way that you miss something that is apart of you when it is gone. I find myself pretending that she is still by my side to feel complete. I have become so lost that I am unable to find my way back and like most men in this predicament I am too stubborn to ask for directions. I go to the counseling every week but it doesn't seem to help. This was her idea and I do not understand how telling a perfect stranger about our lives will make anything better. I go because I want to make her happy though. It is the least that I can do.
I know that she stopped loving me the way that I needed her to but it is because I stopped loving myself. I looked for what I could no longer find at home elsewhere and somewhere along the way I lost a piece of me too. I used to tell my children that the grass may look greener on the other side but you haven't a clue what it takes to keep it that way. Even I didn't understand the gravity of what I was telling them until now. I'd give anything for the solace and the peace of where I used to be.With my wife... I love her in a way that cannot be explained, so I ceased telling and showing her. She is truly my better half and I know that, more than likely, I will never get her back.
I turn the truck into the desolate motel parking lot that has become my new home, pull into my usual spot, and turn off the ignition. My mind continues to wander as I listen to the motor softly hiss and the car dies down. I have to remember to take it in for maintenance tomorrow morning. I gather my belongings that I picked up from the house and take the usual path, up the flight of steps to my room door. As I approach, I drop some of my clothing and I bend to pick them up. As I retrieve the last of my belongings the door to the room flies open and the scent of that same cheap perfume from my car that always seems to make me want to regurgitate invades my senses and it is all I can do to not throw up.
"Papi, where have you been all day? I've been waiting for you," the female voice says.
I walk into the place that has now become my home, with the woman who says she is now my wife, and wonder how on GOD's green earth did I let this become my life...
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